My Life So Far...[a brief look at the REAL issues]
Hrmm...seems like noone realli likes me on the net. They say they do, but realli, they're rooting for another... [There's always someone else that u'd choose over ME, i'm sure]
I dunno which is worse, my crush telling me I wouldn't make it as a pornstar [obviously pointing out my un-attractiveness in general], or him trying to hook me up with some guy i only met last week [do i look that desperate to u?!]...i feel kinda pissed off and disappointed at the same time. He doesn't seem to have that extra enthusiasm he usualli does for me anymore...i see that part of light fading away, and im sad to say that this could ruin every chance i have of making him notice me. While I'm here wishing & dreaming about how we seem to hit it off realli well; he's over there thinking about ways to crush my hopes & dreams [even without him knowing about my secret love]. I take it it's a time to move on, but where will it lead? Should i leave all these depressing memories behind and find someone who realli appreciates me? Coz i dun think there is one...
...Coz NOONE LOVES ME!!!! [yeh, u heard that rite...i'm unloved]
I never realli had [or felt] love from my family, if u compared my relationship with my parents to my sisters'. They've always had the better end of wat we're given...there is no "fair" or "equal" share. They get the lighter punishment, I'd get the cane. When I was punished harshly over something petty, their's were given the slip if the mess wasn't too big. They'd be more generous over anything with my sisters, but to me they'd be calculative. I even told my mum how I thought she was being selfish, uncaring & unjust to me; she said i was a brat and i shouldn't deserve anything from her at all [this happened just 2 months ago]. This made me get lost into my thoughts where I'd often think I was adopted; and my real parents had to sell me off to pay their debts. [I made this assumption also coz people tell me i dunt look like my parents] And I dreamt & wished that one day my real parents came too look for me, and take me 'home' and provide me with all the love they can ever offer...my Wonderland. Yes, there've been many times I considered killing myself - drowning by walking towards the horizon into the sea, suffocating myself under my pillows, jumping off our 3-storey house, or even getting hit by a car while delibrately crossing a busy road. But my conscience always gets the better of me, and i chicken out. I've always thought that that was the easiest way out of my miserable life...i mean, wat's worse that not being loved by someone that is close to ur heart? Frankly, i'd rather get hit by a truck than not feel 'it'. People talk about it so much, but I think I am the only one who hasn't felt wat it is, least to say, KNOW wat it realli is.
People dun get why i get depressed so easily...they dunt understand why i have erratic bouts of temper...because they dunno wat I've been thru & suffered all these years. There's many other things I will not mention that thought it's healed up, there remains a scar in my memories forever. So I have learn not to love a person, but to avoid any accounts of intimacy. I dun try to get to know a person betta, nor do i intend to. Coz I know it'll only lead to much disappointment, a shattered heart and a burning hatred for humans... My life sux so bad.
**For those of u who have taken the time to read this deep insight into a part of my life, I wanna thank u for being able to accept me as I am, but it could also mean u have changed ur opinions about me. I'm ready to accept ur scorns and criticism. I dun wanna live my life a lie, to pretend that everything IS okay and that I've had a good life...but realistically, my 20 years in this world has been a bittersweet journey that I could only wanna forget. So it's only normal for me to fabricate my own little wonderland with princes, animal friends, talking trees, and tea parties as I lay in a field of wildflowers gazing into the clear blue sky wishing that this world would never vanish from my thoughts...**
-Forgetting Him- You dunno how much ur hurtin' me... -Forgettin Him-
I dunno which is worse, my crush telling me I wouldn't make it as a pornstar [obviously pointing out my un-attractiveness in general], or him trying to hook me up with some guy i only met last week [do i look that desperate to u?!]...i feel kinda pissed off and disappointed at the same time. He doesn't seem to have that extra enthusiasm he usualli does for me anymore...i see that part of light fading away, and im sad to say that this could ruin every chance i have of making him notice me. While I'm here wishing & dreaming about how we seem to hit it off realli well; he's over there thinking about ways to crush my hopes & dreams [even without him knowing about my secret love]. I take it it's a time to move on, but where will it lead? Should i leave all these depressing memories behind and find someone who realli appreciates me? Coz i dun think there is one...
...Coz NOONE LOVES ME!!!! [yeh, u heard that rite...i'm unloved]
I never realli had [or felt] love from my family, if u compared my relationship with my parents to my sisters'. They've always had the better end of wat we're given...there is no "fair" or "equal" share. They get the lighter punishment, I'd get the cane. When I was punished harshly over something petty, their's were given the slip if the mess wasn't too big. They'd be more generous over anything with my sisters, but to me they'd be calculative. I even told my mum how I thought she was being selfish, uncaring & unjust to me; she said i was a brat and i shouldn't deserve anything from her at all [this happened just 2 months ago]. This made me get lost into my thoughts where I'd often think I was adopted; and my real parents had to sell me off to pay their debts. [I made this assumption also coz people tell me i dunt look like my parents] And I dreamt & wished that one day my real parents came too look for me, and take me 'home' and provide me with all the love they can ever offer...my Wonderland. Yes, there've been many times I considered killing myself - drowning by walking towards the horizon into the sea, suffocating myself under my pillows, jumping off our 3-storey house, or even getting hit by a car while delibrately crossing a busy road. But my conscience always gets the better of me, and i chicken out. I've always thought that that was the easiest way out of my miserable life...i mean, wat's worse that not being loved by someone that is close to ur heart? Frankly, i'd rather get hit by a truck than not feel 'it'. People talk about it so much, but I think I am the only one who hasn't felt wat it is, least to say, KNOW wat it realli is.
People dun get why i get depressed so easily...they dunt understand why i have erratic bouts of temper...because they dunno wat I've been thru & suffered all these years. There's many other things I will not mention that thought it's healed up, there remains a scar in my memories forever. So I have learn not to love a person, but to avoid any accounts of intimacy. I dun try to get to know a person betta, nor do i intend to. Coz I know it'll only lead to much disappointment, a shattered heart and a burning hatred for humans... My life sux so bad.
**For those of u who have taken the time to read this deep insight into a part of my life, I wanna thank u for being able to accept me as I am, but it could also mean u have changed ur opinions about me. I'm ready to accept ur scorns and criticism. I dun wanna live my life a lie, to pretend that everything IS okay and that I've had a good life...but realistically, my 20 years in this world has been a bittersweet journey that I could only wanna forget. So it's only normal for me to fabricate my own little wonderland with princes, animal friends, talking trees, and tea parties as I lay in a field of wildflowers gazing into the clear blue sky wishing that this world would never vanish from my thoughts...**
-Forgetting Him- You dunno how much ur hurtin' me... -Forgettin Him-
posted by maiko at 10:05:00 pm
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