Sick of this shit...

I can't sleep and I've been crying. All these thoughts keep rushing into my head. I'm having a major headache right now. Just recently I thought how good my life was getting at, and then the arguments with parents made all my bad memories start flooding back. I realised that I was the most physically and emotionally abused child in my family. I could probably think of 10 different situations where I was at least ratted on, taunted, degraded, teased, bullied, or left to defend for myself from my parents and sisters. There were many others too. Too bad they didn't have social services from where I'm from. And besides, it would always be my word against theirs. It felt like I was getting to the brink of insanity. My life was definitely hell. And I guess these feelings have finally caught up with me again, and it feels just like a dam, broken, and my tears started gushing erratically. I just wanted to end all things; my life, especially. But I kno there is no way out. Killing myself would cause me to sin, so I can only hope and pray that God answers my prayers and takes me away from this world...this life, my life, I'm willing to give up. Coz I know now, noone loves me. And noone ever will.

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My sister is a bitch. Literally. Like she has this bitchy peronality that I dont even know who the hell she takes it after. Ok, so I actualli sound like a bitch now, but OMGZ!! she just can't stop bitching about other people, it's like a cringe-worthy moment. It's way annoying. She seems to always have something to say about someone. Like if a friend was saying something bad about another girl, she'd have a million other negative opinions to add on. It's like GOSH, she's one of those girls u'd love to hate back in high school. Ok, I admit, i wasn't one of the coolest kids at school but still...she's like the plastic of all plastics (ref: Mean Girls) It's like everything someone does is like average or beyond bad; yet what she does is cool, smart, great, whatever. Like for example a friend of her is studying business, she'd go and say something mean like how business is such a 'common' subject and "all asians are studying it", then does her eye-rolling-expression, then goes on to say how she has to do all the smart subjects like chemistry or biology (which makes me wanna roll MY eyes!) *urgh* She has a lot of enemies, which isn't realli surprising. But I always knew she'd brought it on to herself. She says that her so-called-enemies don't like her coz they're jealous of her. Like, wtf? Each to its own. Everyone have their own opinions. Maybe coz she's always bragging, or maybe coz she was being a smartass, or maybe coz she was overdressed. She just can't deal with it. Like just the other day she was telling me how some girls complained that guys always treat her nice and not to them coz she's pretty. Well........she probably is pretty, but again, each to its own. But the point is, wtf do i care if the guys treat her nice and not to the other girls. Like is that some slight hint of trying to boost her own ego. Coz at that very moment, I had care factor zero. Yea, i know having good self-esteem is good. But when ur overdoing it, it's like *yawn*. So now i'm gonna quit talking, coz it's broing my brains out.

STFU LAURA !

I think it's not very nice to diss people on what they want or love doing. Like my sister was criticising how i'm "crazy" coz im going on my diet thing and that I walk 30 mins a day for the sake of keeping fit. Like wtf is her business anyway? Not like i'm sticking a finger down my throat. At least I eat every meal, and have been cutting down on mostly sugary & fatty foods due to my new diet plan. I mean, if u asked a nutritionist, they'd agree I'm eating healthily. Pffft....watta a bitch for backstabbing me on such a sensitive topic. I want to lose weight around my thighs is my business. Just coz i'm skinny in other parts of my body doesn't mean i'm overall skinny...i can't help the fact that I get skinny easier everywhere else. Bah! Let's just say she was jealous that she doesn't have the same willpower as I do. Sore loser!

I just told off my sister, WHICH I'm pretty sure she'll tell my mum about, and then this will be a perfect example of an incident when my mum's being unfair to me...again. You're wondering what I told my sister off about..well, I'm just sick and tired of her lazy ways while she's staying over at MY apartment. She has all these bottles and tissues all over the dining table, then she doesn't put her finished bowls and dishes to the sink after she's finished (one time i found a mug that had started to grow mold on the inside coz she'd left it in her room or somethingZ). You know how gross taht is?! And like...for the whole time she's been staying over every week, I have NEVER seen her clean her sheets. One time, maybe, she did but it was only coz she heard my psrents were coming over and had wanted to 'impress' them. But seriously...all I see if a two-faced faker who puts on a facade in front of my parents to show them what an ace of a kid she is. Seriously, I think I know better. She's also quite the hypocrite when she kept saying hwo untidy and disgusting my sister is coz she doesn't throw her trash or whatever, but if we were at court and this was brought up as a topic, I have every evidence to point towards my younger sister that says she's no different. So, within my knowledge, I see a lying scheming person who thinks she's the best daughter in the world. I mean, she doesn't ever clean her bowls & cutlery...I normally do it, and when she does, she either washes watever she's just used (which i'm fine with that), or she uses the dishwasher..technically, not her washing the dishes...so obviously u can tell how lazy she is. But even after that, she cheats by rinsing the dishes and puts it on the rack to dry. But of course when the water's gone, u see these stains on the cutlery and stuff that shows she didn't use any soap when she washed them. And so, leads me to conclude that she didn't actualli wash anything at all. I remember when I'd first started living independently with my sister in this apartment...when i'd started to learn how to cook and clean...i remember me getting scolded by my mum for not having cleaned the dishes properly (thanks to my sister for being a tattletell), and so I see no wrong with me trying to be the same by telling my younger sister off for being unclean & lazy. But i'm sure, my mum being my mum, will probably think that I'm in the wrong and that wat my sister did does not let me have a judgement over her. *urgh*

WHY ME????? AGAIN!!!!

Oh, now it's back to my old depressing life again. Everything was going realli great for me and then *BAM* u realise not everything is as good as u think it is. What I'm saying is, my family has never for any instance been grateful for what I've done for them, even if it hit them in the face. All they see is something that I ought to be doing for them, and not something I did it coz I wanted to show them that I cared. My sister even had to question my motives last week when I got her 2 bars of Cherry Ripe for no particular reason. Of course, at the time when I boght them, I was thinking of how she told me she (qoute) "LOVE THEM" (unquote), and since I knew she was flying home next week, I thought she might like some snacks to stock up for her trip. And there she had to ask why I even got her the chocs. I'm like thinking if I realli needed to explain myself...it's not like I planted strips of bomb in there so she'll die after she eats them or anything. GEE....so I told her that they were on special, and u kno wat she said? She called me a compulsive shopper. Yea...an insult and no thanks for it either. Such gratitude, huh? Then there's my little sister...from what my mum told me, I was the only one who wished her Happy Birthday on her birthday and actualli got her a present. My other sisters? They didn't even bother, and yet...my little sister's fave sister happened to be my eldest sister. For wat reasons, I have no clue. But u see the pattern here? No gratitude watsoever? But anyway, even for Mother's Day I got my mum a gift which me & my younger sister were supposed to "share". I'd actualli paid for the whole thing, but of course I told my mum that we'd gotten the gift together...and of course my mum was quite touched, but she showed no emotion of gratefulness for all the trouble that I did to get her her present over to her back home. My sister? She hasn't paid me back the money or even knows what my mum got for Mother's Day (shows the lack of interest). Everything that got to my mum was all the work I did. I saved up enough money, got out to buy this apron which I'd been looking for for weeks, and this fine china plate I snatched at a bargain, and the wrapping paper and decorations which I spent over an hour wrapping at the post office, and the packaging and delivery which I made sure that it was safe to deliver across the world in. EVERY SINGLE THING that made it to my mum was coz of what I did. My sister didn't even need to lift a finger or an eyelid. And yet, I didn't realli get much thanks from that, from my sister or my mum (naturally). And just today I was talking to my dad, and i discovered that my sister who is going back home will also get to go to Hong Kong for a shopping trip. And of course, I felt that I was at loss, since I cannot go back home and I dont even get to go on a shopping trip to Hong Kong. I obviously felt that I was not getting what could possibly be worth my while staying back in Melbourne. I even have to work and save enough money to pay for my OWN trip up to Sydney AND my shopping spree in Sydney (if i have enuff cash, that is); while probably at the same time, my sister is relaxing overseas, without having to cook her own food or even lift a single finger working, and then she can jet off to Hong Kong for about 2 weeks and go shopping and fine food dining everyday. I mean, HELLO? where the hell is the justice? I want what I should be getting. So I told my dad about changing my mind and wanting to go back home instead. I needed a release from all the straining work, and the cold harsh winter of Melbourne. I seriously didn't want to be left behind while someone else who is quite in the same position as me, having all the fun. I voiced my opinions and got rejected and also got told off with somethings that didn't realli have anything to do with MY problem, which upsetted me, and of course, I rebelled and my dad being not a very fair man as he say he is, avoids the question by going offline. And I'm like "WTF?" So u see....I think my family doesn't even see what I've done FOR them. I mean, I'm in a job coz they forced me to. They blackmailed me with my allowance being taken away. SO I took up a job FOR them. I'm even doing social work coz my dad told me to. I seriously dunno what I'm doing wrong to be deserving NOTHING at all. I haven't seen any rewards being reaped from the fertile soil I've sown. So someone, tell me what I should do? Expect? Ask for? Or demand?

Finally 21...>_>

Okay, maybe I was a bit too harsh about my mum before. I take it back now. Coz it was u kno, just a spur of the moment anger. >_< My mum agitates me a lot sometimes coz she doesn't let me explain and makes a big deal about something small. Anyway...being 21 is a nightmare. I don't think I'd ever wanna grow up, seriously. It's too scary. Just the other day I was sitting down thinking how my life will progress, and I didn't have a clue. I dont even know if wat im doing is wat i realli wanna do. Will I get a job? I dont seem to be succeeding in getting a job anywhere. It's quite discouraging, realli. I want to make my parents proud, but often feel that I don't have the abilities to. It's just a terrifying thought to have to get a job, play the right cards, earn enough to support myself, make someone outta myself. It's just so difficult. Many other people would probably have aspirations to become someone or something even since they were little, but me, I change my mind a lot. I don't know what my talents are to make my life all worthwhile. I wish there was just some sort of talent test that I cuopld take that tells me what talents I have. >_>

Yea...my mum's a bitch.

My mum is like the biggest bitch ever. I'm not joking. She likes to bitch me around, and bitch about me in my face. She has a tendency to insult me no matter where we are. She's so oblivious about her actions or the things she says. It's depressing. I think she takes pleasure in seeing me helpless and distressed. That could probably be one of her 'feel good' solutions when she's the tiniest bit agitated. So she takes it out on me. Strangely enough, I'm the only person/child she ever does it to. No wonder all my sisters turned out like her. There's no denying that they have the obvious flawed quality that of my 'mother'. In fact, I'm not sure if she's even my real mum. I mean, what kinda mum would ever be so harsh to their own child? She goes to me if I wanted to kill myself, i Should do it now so I don't have to waste more of her money on food/accomodation/stuff. Like WTF?

A self-proclaimed 'Christian' like her, makes me question about her faith or the religion on its own. How could someone who should be full-of-love be so evil & scheming. Hasn't God bestow upon justice on those who actualli need them. I kno I don't. I'm not the one degrading someone else. I'm not the one abusing my power over someone else. I'm not the one forcefully demoralising someone else. I mean, seriously. Where's the justice? This world is fucked up, and we all know it. If God realli existed, then I wouldn't be in so much anguish & pain.

11:31p.m
FUCK YOU BITCH! *urgh* i'm still not quite satisfied with this vent of anger. I realli realli feel like punching her teeth in. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
For a couple packs of Coles salami, she had to be a total bitch to me about it. Geee...tells u that she prizes the salami over me. Now, THAT's fucked. It's people like her that creates war in the world....if there were just less of people like her, the world would be a eutopia. God, people dont have to suffer from any bitch's wrath.

12:00a.m.
U kno there's a realli good description about how she bitches. The way she acts, it's as if I stole her husband or something. That type of bitching. But the thought of it just grosses me out at the same time.

Oh, and I think i should go into anorexia mode. Too fat now. Not sure how long I'll last, but I need to get at least one part of my life that is able to keep me happy. Might as well be my body.

Friends? Pfft...what's that?

U know, I think this depression isn't psychological. It isn't something that I'm imagining but realli isn't there. Coz right now, I know for sure, it is real. I'm depressed because I'm affected by everyone around me. They probably don't realise it, but they hurt me unconsciously. I don't even kno why I even put up with all this shit. Seriously.

They say they're my friends but what could be worse is that they're freinds who are unreliable. That's one thing I've noticed about the people who claim to be my friends. Makes me wanna just tell them to go "BUZZ OFF" and crawl back into my small dark hole. I mean, where were they when i needed them? Too busy for me, most probably. Couldn't even make the effort to come out for lunch with me when I invited them. Like seriously...they can't even accept my gesture of gratitude. If u can't, so be it. Give up this 'friendship' coz obviously, i'm not good enough to let me treat u. I'd probably wouldn't have realised this if my mum hadn't brought it up. Of course, I've been telling her stories about how great these people I call my friends were. But on the day I'd invited them out, barely anyone makes it, and she had to ask "where're those people who u call ur friends? too busy for u? or maybe these people are just ur imgination?"...maybe it's only my imgination. These 'friends' are just a fragment of my creative mind, building this fairy tale that noone can see. I'm perhaps an insane loner, who has a tendency of random sudden outbursts in public. So leave me be.

Which Of The 7 Deadly Sins Are You Most Guilty Of?

~Pride~

-You have a desire to be important or attractive to

others, and you have an excessive love of

self. This virtue this defies is humility.

This sin is associated with the horse and the

color violet.


Which Of The 7 Deadly Sins Are You Most Guilty Of? (with anime pics, of course)
brought to you by Quizilla

Defying humility? Seriously...i'm pretty humble. In fact, VERY humble, ok? >_> And when did i ever had an excessive love of self? Heck, anyone would kno I have a lack of sense of self-worth...this quiz is totally wrong!!