Feeling so fkn lonely [my msn dp]...

Tonight was the last straw...that Mr Weird0 have been annoying me time &
time again, and him being all over me is not helping either. I realised tonight
how much I'm not wanted. In the eyes of many, I'm probably the most
arrogant, stubborn, stuck up, titearse, manipulative bitch ever...in my head
i say i dunt care, but in my heart, i feel hurt & lonely. If noone was gonna
like me for who i am, i dun think Mr. Weird0 should get the chance too.
Coz obviously he's after something else apart from who I really am.

I told him that I don't like him in any way, and I don't think I will like anyone
anytime soon coz those feelings died long time ago. My heart hurts a little
sometimes when i think about it...but I always try to be strong, and put up a
happy front whenever i'm confronted by friends, but wat they dunno that
goes behind closed doors...i'm more wrecked than they think, i feel more
pain & angst that most of them have ever felt in their lives, i may be
depressed, but self-help will not do anything to improve my
condition.


Many a times when I feel dejected, I just wanna throw myself out the
window and hopefully as I fall my entire life flashes before me...all
those happy moments with me and my family & friends, and as i touch
the ground i do not feel any pain, while angels hold my hand and take
me away somewhere in the clouds where I will feel no more pain. I
wouldn't be surprised if noone cared
that I'd passed away.

Coz I know...noone really cares about me. They never did, never have, and
never will. That's how harsh my life is. And there's so many things that has
happened in my life before which people dont know about but...i've had a
tough life. I wasn't always the smartest, the prettiest, the favourite...in fact, i
was [or maybe still am] the ugliest among my sisters, the most
unfavourite daughter of either of my parents, and I was only smart due to
my hard work and determination [but lately it's slowly deteriorating]. I have
no more faith in myself, nor do i have anymore reason for living.


I question myself often about what i'm living for? What will my life be like?
I'm just a heartless [or at least a cold-hearted] bitch who will grow old &
die alone with no friends or family. So what's the whole fkn point then?!
SOMEONE TELL ME! What's the whole fkn point of me keep on
living still!? Many of u will probably think "Yea she deserves to die...noone
even liked her anywayz..."

Like last night for instance, I asked if anyone wanna take a movie together.
Some people said OK, then later...they opted for Trish's idea. Yea alright,
i'm not pissed or cut. That's fine. Then Vuong says he'll come watch
a movie with me. Sure, that sounds nice of him. Then today when i asked
him again, he says he can't make it anymore [when we'd alreadi agreed on
doing it after 4pm!] He makes up some excuse that he needs to get his
car done up...man, if he didn't wanna watch it in first place then tell
me [actually, he didn't have to coz i'd alreadi kinda knew his intention. He doesn't
really wanna watch the movie if it's only me & him...coz he probably
hates my presence or just me as much as everyone else does anyways...
well, fk that shit!] I even asked if anyone wanted to have gelati with
me and i'm shouting, and noone [besides Derek or Dan or
Johnny - who weren't for real, coz they wouldn't be able to make it]...yea
well, i think I GET THE POINT NOW guys. I wasn't even cut when u
guys all met up at Max Brenners for 3 consistent days without
me...although I wouldn't be able to make it, it would've been nice if I was
asked to go. But at least I think I kno now what all u guys really thought
of me, though no words were said, actions DO speak louder than
words.

Life holds no hope for me. Tell me someone, wat am i REALLY living for?