Stressed out!!!!!!!!!!!

It's that time of the year again...the thing that most students everywhere fear most: EXAMS. For the teachers it's a 'little game they love to see us be tortured with'. But for me, it means a hell lot more than just 'a test of knowledge'. It means having to work my ass off reading my poorly provided lecture notes over & over again trying to figure out which stage comes before which other stage, and how this whole thing can possibly be related to wat I will be doing in the future. Makes me wanna question each question in the exam. >_>

Wat is it about other students who can cope with the pressure when i can't...at all? As a Psychology student, I should know better. It's the support u get from people around u...whether it be friends, parents, siblings, partners, even kids [if u have any] that sets us apart. Where is my family when i need them to be? Overseas. Unreachable, but able to reach me when they need me to do something for them. What about my friends? Occupied...with partners, exams, studying, personal problems. The only time they are ever contactable is the time i'm too busy working my ass off.

For me, studying overseas itself is such a stressful experience, not to mention living alone. I have the burden of having to please my parents with my grades [coz they complain it costs too much], then there's the issue about my allowance [i reckon it's not enough to keep my alive], and the constant reminder for me to look for a job [but i study 5 times a week, which gives me no time to study, work & still play - u have to understand when i mean work, it also involves cleaning the apartment, cooking, buying the groceries...basically things ur mum would do. Technically speaking, i'd be a family in one! I would be the father, the mother and the kid].

I dunno when this nightmare will ever end coz it's really driving me insane...tho as a Psychology student, u don't realli become a professional til u graduate after 6 to 7 years in uni. I realli dunno how I can live like that, constantly being haunted by assignments and exams. What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no social support at uni watsoever. To cut it short, i'm just a loner. That's right. I feel like such a basketcase, and I blame myself for it. Even my parents think I've made quite a few friends at uni, but they don't know the truth about my life and how much I'm struggling to stay on.

I tend to think too deep into issues like these, and reflect it back to my childhood years, and then I just sit in a corner of my room and sob. I don't wish for my life to be perfect, but just for it to be "ok" is enough. I don't have high expectations of myself, but the stress that envelops me and the pressure of my parents making me excel far better than my capabilities is just killing me.

But how do i make it work? I've alreadi detached myself from my friends, given up my 'going-out' life, even locked myself in my bedroom studying like a nerd. I'm studying 13-14 hours a day for each day my exam nears, non-stop as we speak. I think I am slowly starting to go crazy - looking like a zombie with dark circles round my eyes with pasty skin, talking to myself out loud in public, in a trance when i walk on the streets not noticing my friend walking past me, all zoned out......and the scary part is, there's noone to snap be back to reality. I am by myself in this, noone even knows how I feel. I'm drowning in a pool of mixed emotions of sadness, loneliness, fear, depression, elation, confusion, pain, asphyxiation, fatigue, cold, etc.....i dunno how much longer I can endure this. Just rite now, I wish someone could end my life for me.

4 more day(s) til MAJOR exam .::. 8 and a half more chapters to go