Another reason why I hate myself.

Just had an argument with my dad...again. [Cried too] You kno, i dunno wat it is, but somehow my relationship with my dad has always been a rift. It's like, he doesn't understand me. Although as much as I care, I don't have a space in his heart.

See....we were arguing over calculators. [Stoopid, i kno] My younger sister needed my graphics calculator for Maths class, and I needed mine for Stats class. So I was saying how my sister could go lend a normal calculator from her friend in exchange for my graphics calculator...and i'd only needed to use it for like 2 weeks. Don't wanna waste money, u kno...not worth it for just 2 weeks of use, and it'll sit on my shelf and collect dust after. That's not so hard to do. But nooo, my dad has to go and complain and say that i'm making things difficult for my sister. Difficult? For her? HAH! U don't even kno the first thing about going out of one's way to do things for another. I had to go book plane tickets for her, had to take her to miscellaneous outings, take her to the bank, withdraw money for her, etc etc. So wat do all those count? My duty? Yea, rite. So everything I do for her is a duty, and everything she does for me is a favour. I don't see how that's fair. And he says he's a fair man. I beg to differ.

So it's little issues like these that I hate for being who i am. I kno my dad spoils my sister the most. Should I be angry? Jealous? Hateful? I kno I can't, coz i have no right to. I'm merely another daughter to him, just under priviledged. But he doesn't see it that way. He claims to brag that he cares about us equally. But does this equilibrium balance within his state of mind, it is for oneself to decide. I cannot judge because i have no say in this. Everything i do for my sisters is purposeful, and everything they do for me is out of kindness. They are like the gods, i am only a servant. I cannot compare to them with wat i have. Sometimes i wish and wonder why i was even born. How could God be so unfair to me? I know I should consider myself lucky I'm still here, but...i'd rather have my life taken and give it to someone else who needs it more than me. Someone who many people chrish and love, someone who has a great life, great family, and great friends to be around with. Someone who has a better life than I do. I feel wrecked, and useless...i am noone to my family, i am noone to other people other than that of a friend. I hate my life, so I hate myself. I do not weep over Gene's death, I am angered by the fact that God had to take his life than mine. He who had everything he wanted or could have. He who had more reasons to live than wat i can say for myself. That may sound a bit harsh but, i honestly think Gene doesn't deserve to die, although it was inevitable...he was a great person, a big brother to me. Probably the only other person who had really cared about me when i started to know him. Knowing death could be just around the corner, having encountered having someone this close to leaving this earth forever, has made me stronger and unafraid. I will wait to face death and take it by the horns.