BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder)

I used to think i was sorta okay-looking. But lately, it's been worse. I find I can no longer look into mirrors or if i do, i ry to take peek, yet glance quickly away after i see my own reflection. I tend to probe or hit/punch parts of my body which i think is fat or flabby. Or that i'd do something, and stop for 5 minutes just to examine my flaws. It's something that's my constant habit for about 3 or 4 years now. I thought it was just body conscious or paranoia. But after hearing about some disorder from a movie, which i looked it up on the Internet, and found that the disorder matched a lot of my 'bad habits', then i came to self-diagnose myself and concluded that i was seriously suffering from BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Okay, so i know i'm suffering from it, but that desn't change anything. Doesn't change the way I feel about myself, doesn't change wat i THINK people thought of me.

If u realised, i tend to shy away from huge gatherings because i'm not confident about myself. I also have a tendency to look away from a person when they're talking to me, only because I feel that if they studied enough of me, they pick out my flaws...or defects. And I hate that. Which is also a reason why I try not to get too close to anyone, especially guys. I tend to avoid guys who think I look good, but which i psychologically think would only be because they didn't study me long enough to detect my flaws or they probably met me at a place which had bad lighting or some other excuses which i tell myself. After that, i decline future meetings, or I try to just hide away if i see them on the street.

I mean, i torture myself because i hate the way i look. It's partially similar like Anorexia or Bulimia, but this disorder is classified under OCDs which makes a lot of sense. Coz it's not like a one day in a month or year thing. It's constant! It's everyday. Everyday I feel shittier about myself because i thought my thighs were too big, or that i have a pimple on my face, that my cheeks are too chubby, or that my chin's not sharp enough. It's also OCD coz i compare....a lot. I compare my body to every nice looking girl that walks past, i look at myself, then i frown and tuck away my flaws far from anyone's sight.

There's nothing I can do, realli. I know I generally have so many problems that I should even start seeing a shrink, but u know, it's not going to help. They can't help me. They only say things to make u think they understand. They put u on meds, or on some therapy, which i know i'll hate joining. And which i'd try to act more normal so i'd get out of therapies. Frankly, the only cure for this is that i see noone and noone sees me, then I wont have to care wat people will think at all. Life's unfair, but how could they ever be THIS unfair to me. For me to hate myself so much, that I wouldn't slit my wrist for that, but i'd cut up parts of my body just to get rid of them.

Hence, i'm a grumpy, self-loathing basketcase that should be put into an arab dress. >_>